timebombs— commentary

Hello hello!! It's been a Long While™, what with life kicking my ass and giving me a cushion to sit on and ease the pain at the same time. I had honestly forgotten about me having a Dreamwidth account for a while now actually, and really only remembered this for two reasons: i started reading TBZ fics and in general fell in love with the idea of posting longer commentaries about either fic/anything else too, and two... I wrote a TBZ fic myself and wanted to write commentary for it. so here it goes!!

First, a background of how I ended up writing the fic: I had the idea of writing something based on Charley's Timebomb ever since I first stumbled upon it last year (around the same time) and proceeded to cry my heart out to it, knowing the story from the singer herself as well as the general yearning present throughout the music video. It meant something to me, very personally, and I also wasn't exactly in a really good mental space... blah blah ,something about wanting to peel out my own skin so i'm unrecognizable, blah blah. I'm thankfully in a much better place now, away from all those thoughts, but I still cherish the song a lot for what it made me feel, realize and go through as a cycle before getting better.

I juggled with the idea of writing this songfic for quite a number of pairings: with Yeonjun and Mark, but that spawned into an entirely different Monster altogether (which I think you should check out tooo~), with Yeonjun and SVT's Chan (which I scrapped off entirely), but finally landed on our main pairing-- Juyeon and Kevin.

If you haven't read the fic yet, I highly recommend you to read so from here!

Fic Commentary:

But before all of that, a lil' jukev primer, if you may let me: (I kind of use their observed traits as character points for the story and nothing else, and none of what I write infers that it is their true personality. Now, onto my silly observations)

JuKev is Lee Juyeon & Kevin Moon aka Moon Hyungseo, both born in 1998, in Gwangju (although Kevin moved away to Vancouver later), and are a Capricorn/ENTP and a Pisces/INFP respectively. While I like reading up on zodiac signs and MBTI casually, I don't really think it can truly encompass the dynamics of a person, so these kinda serve as points upon which their personality and traits shine through, but not entirely.

 

A few must-see videos:

• Juyeon-Kevin section of Dear.THE BOYZ
• Walking with Juyeon's Kevin Episode + behind the scenes
• A lot of mixed moments in 98z Meeting
• Jukev crumbs compiled by a sweet YT fanacc pt. 1 and pt. 2
• Personally, this clip that drives me crazy like what the fuckity FUCK kevin!!!
• This part of the CONVOYZ content video where Chanhee spilled tea without any crumbs to match with it like WDYM BY THAT CHOI CHANHEE (context: as part of one of the games they were trying to match the person by only touching their face)

From the videos I've seen, Kevin and Juyeon mirror each other a lot while being different-- Kevin seeps into a problem and struggles but solves it eventually, while Juyeon is more practical and flexible in that he lets the problem stew by itself and finds a solution on the go (see Dear.THE BOYZ clip).

Based on my own experience as an introvert struggling with too many thoughts, it makes sense that Kevin reaches out to Juyeon a lot off-camera. (Again, this is purely observation from videos, and I can absolutely never know their true nature and true thoughts.) From my observation, Kevin, a creative introvert (and quite literally me in a different skin), is a perfect fit and found a perfect fit in Juyeon's practical extrovert nature (nearly all of the friends I love and cherish). If I were to extend it, I'd say Kevin's two top most go-to people are Juyeon and, of course, Jacob.

The thing is, they don't really have a lot of moments because TBZ is a 11-membered group (aka huge) and each have their own dynamics, so its a given that there might be lesser moments than expected. My reason to focus on them is pinned by these videos + other observations in general, but also my personal preference: I like couples/friends of the same age. It's just my personal belief that people of the same age have a much more equal dynamic than people of different ages, where I believe an inevitable upper-lower (?) dynamic comes into a place if not consciously avoided.

FINALLY FINALLY LET'S MOVE TO THE FIC COMMENTARY.docx

This is the main playlist I went with for the fic, Timebomb obviously being the one that was played the most out of these.

Originally, I was going to repaint almost the whole music video with jukev, but then decided against it because of two reasons: it was messy and it would be so much work to rewrite every single thing while also trying to add my own colour to the fic, and secondly I wondered if I could just show that messiness through the fic, not in the fic, if that makes sense.

Fun fact: a lot of parts of this fic are repurposed from my older drafts which will probably never see the day of light (or maybe, come out in a different way)

Juyeon isn't sure he was ever supposed to meet Kevin.

Not right now, being pulled into a discreet hotel, (which Chanhee will definitely scream his head off about when he gets to know), but in general.

Kevin is all things Juyeon dreams of: bright, sparkling, a ray of blinding light in a dark, dark place. He is wonder and curiosity, joy and excitement for a world that delivers only mundanity.

This line will most probably be repeated in another jukev fic i'm writing, but this pretty encompasses how I view Kevin-- someone who simply shines, regardless of where he is. It's a lot inspired by Kevin's own motto in life: integrity, to not lose the childlike wonder. He explains it a bit better in the Walking with Juyeon episode as well a DIVE Studios episode. I find it as just an admirable trait in general. So yeah, I tried to express that wonderment (?) throughout the fic. Juyeon's corresponding or opposing cynicism stems from his side of WWJ Kevin Episode, although a bit exaggerated.

Somehow, I found Juyeon to be easier to project onto ehem, write as a POV than Kevin. For some reason. I don't know why; it felt so wrong to write this from Kevin's perspective, although that would fit more to the original plot of the song since Charley is a singer and Kevin has dabbled in music even before debut, at least much more than Juyeon has from what I know.

He isn't sure he was ever supposed to know Kevin, the boy who carries moonlight wherever he goes. Even in this dark hotel room which promises secrecy, Juyeon finds the moonlight filtering in, trying to take a look at the one who carries a piece of it.

When I say this is a Love Letter to Kevin Moon..... yeah. This is exactly what I mean by that. Something about him trying his best to hold onto his integrity and try not to lose in a world that demands change, idk even if it wasn't Kevin and someone else I just generally admire that trait.

(And seeing one of my favourite quotes ever is "Be You".... makes sense. Kinda.)

 

Something I struggled with writing/expressing a lot are the dream sequences, because a part of me is conditioned to make everything be proportional. I kept writing and rewriting the dream sequence, tried so many things, but in the end just stuck to the MV/the storyline itself.

He orders himself a cosmopolitan, and observes the club a little, to measure his level of damage— most are simply minding their own business, and there are two couples that are making out senseless on the dance floor. Overall, his damage is going to be quite less if he measures his alcohol and his senses.

Well, he's known for not being able to control one of them.

(...)

Pink and blue strobe lights flash on and off, and he feels at home.

When I say I projected onto Juyeon. I am no alcoholic (thankfully) but I do love me a good cosmopolitan. Idk his preferences but I love me a good Cosmopolitan. I am no alcoholic but I feel that itch and burn under my skin to be a different person all the damn time, so.

(Yeah, you can say I have some issues that need mental health help)
And a lil nod to (my) bisexuality!! In my mind character JY is a very laid-back clumsy bi like it's just another fact like water is wet or something.

When the boy opens his eyes, finally, as the song winds down to give way to a new one, Juyeon flashes what he hopes is a nice enough smile.

“You're pretty,” He yells over the music transitioning, hand cupping the other's ear. After a beat, with a bit more confidence, he adds: "I'm Juyeon!"

The boy laughs, and it's perhaps the most chiming, most happy laughter Juyeon has heard in a while. Nothing has quite tugged at his heart like this, that has made his heart skip a beat.

“Kevin,” He replies. “And you're pretty too!”

This. My real life's greatest achievement-- to have this happen to me so that I can reminisce it forever. I have been blessed by the bisexual gods that this happened (and subsequently cursed bc it did not lead to anything, not even something like jukev here)

“Fuck, I love your hands,” Kevin gives in, finally, turning the stove off and facing Juyeon, neck stretched as Juyeon never stops kissing.

“Hm,” He replies, leaving a last sloppy kiss on the line connecting his neck and shoulder. “And, dear?”

“And your hair,” Kevin responds, carding through his raven black hair. “And the way you speak.”

The first blatant pick-up from the lyrics, really, its such a good song y'all.

He would like for something with Kevin, definitely. He is too good for everything to just be a forgotten fling, but Juyeon is cursed with unhappiness, a draining life, nothing that tethers him long enough. He's a caged bird wanting to fly, but the cage is imaginary and his wings feel broken.

“Or,” Kevin breathes. “Be honest with me on this. Did you just want a quick fuck?”

Juyeon turns to him, appalled. “Don't just say things,” He warns. Pushes down the sting in his heart. “Don't — say things just like that.”

Two references here: the cage reference, partly, is a reference to TBZ's O Sole Mio stage for Kingdom, which I LOVE. The last line is from the K-Drama Twenty Five, Twenty One where Baek Yijin says that to Na Heedo, of course in a much more different sense of it. It kept replaying in my mind alongside the car scenes from the MV itself, and it made perfect sense. I haven't finished watching the drama yet (I know what's gonna happen. That is why I'm not watching it.) but it felt just right to add that part in, because nothing else imo conveyed the seriousness as well as the hesitation so quicklqy,

Kevin is pretty straightforward in the fic, it's kind of a trait I wish to have myself. I like people who want a straight yes or no for an answer. I try to be like that, but it's a working thing and I'm still Not Quite There yet. You can say I projected my true self on Juyeon and my ideal self on Kevin lmaoooo

"Don't say forever, when it's never gonna be forever." Juyeon recites from memory, one of his long forgotten attempts at songwriting. Back when he was still young in the celebrity business, and still had to vigor to dip a hand into what he wanted.

He grew up, grew out of it and many other things, and sits here now. At the cusp of something new, something bright and inviting and freeing, and yet.

His wings feel broken, pained. Somewhere in his throat is lodged a cry for help, that never makes it out.

(...)

“I wish we can just be,” He whispers into Kevin's hair. “Just be forever.”

 

Kevin chuckles, a wet laugh. Everything feels foreboding, like it's going to be forever lost.

 

“Why does time race with you?” He asks, just as the winds pick up again. His finger are freezing, but he seeks Kevin's warmth that slowly fades away. “What do I do to make it stop?”

First and last are obvious lyric references, but I just like the way I constructed this scene actually. It just feels full-circle in such a short span.

"I hate it," Kevin whispers, in a language Juyeon is still trying to learn. His English is not the best yet, even though people around him have told him he has a knack for learning languages quickly.

Juyeon instinctively clutches his arms tighter around Kevin's frame, hoping that holding him close would help in some way.

“Hate… what?” He asks, careful, hand slipping over Kevin's naturally. His hand almost covers Kevin's, and the other smiles at the sight of it. It's a bittersweet one, and Juyeon has to poke his neck out a bit more to spot the bitterness in it.

 

I kind of had to give a nod to the English bit, one day I might write a fic where they're language prodigies or something. It also in a way was symbolism of yet another wall between them? Both can try to climb it, but it's definitely gonna be there for sure. It's also so cute when they speak in

Kevin chuckles, a wet, bitter tone to it, and Juyeon wonders if its deja vu. Why does it feel like he has been here before?

“Isn't it bittersweet?” Kevin says, just as Juyeon opens the car door.

“What is?”

“That seven days,” A deep breath, wavering when it comes out. “It's just the right amount of time to fall in love.”

It's sort of the only time I do insinuate that the dreams and real life are working parallelly! I love making little hints like this though I guess in the whole vibe of the fic it tends to get lost a bit hahah

He goes almost breathless as he reads the note.

I hate that we had the right amount of time it takes to fall in love .

— Kev.

Finally! A final nod to my love for Red, White & Royal Blue, the movie/story which made me start writing again after so long of not doing it. For those who don't know this is a pivotal bit in the book, where Henry leaves a note for Alex and then... leaves, because he is scared. I wanted to flip that a bit (if we're comparing, Kevin is Alex and Juyeon is Henry here) and make it like something given out of a last love, than out of fear and love. It's a sort of an open ending, because who knows maybe Juyeon went back, tried to find him, that becomes a 16-episode story of itself (No I have no idea to write it. Genuinely, I have other fics planned but not this sequel one.)

Anddddd yeah! That's it! My first jukev, my first tbzfic, my first DREAMWIDTH NOTE for a fic!! Hope everyone enjoyed reading it as much as I loved writing it ^~^